It's not my fault

It was cold evening and very hard to stay out waiting for one parent to pickup his child at some mutual place as per their agreement. A car stops and a parent shouted at the car saying “come on! Get out of the car quickly”. I was so wondered to see that whom this guy is referring to? Suddenly a terrified, confused and muddled child came out of the other parent car and jumped straight away into that shouted parent car. The transformation of child was so quick that some of his toys were fell on the ground and he was not aware of it until his parent shouted at him again to pick up his toys which he did so quick that shows the level of fear, harassment and aggression of that shouted parent.

When parents separated, their way of thinking changed as well and the way they are treating or controlling their child is impacting child’s mental heath. I was wondering that what child is learning from all this behaviour? How he is going to treat himself in the state of loneliness? How he react towards his friends in school? Who is going to fulfilling his childhood wishes?

In family law it is clearly stated that both parents have shared responsibility to take care of their child and his/her needs. If anything happens to child in one of the parent’s care then that parent is responsible for it but again none of them fulfilling their duties and busy in their life with work, friends or even new partners. This changed the child way of thinking and he/she will start keeping secrets which ended up in horrific results.

Parents need to realise and understand that their behaviours impacting their children a lot. Their personal issues and problems belongs to them. It’s not their children’s fault that they came into their life but it’s parents issue and they have to provide their kids love, care, sympathy, affection and devotion. Their kids are suffering because of them. Children have no sense what to do and how to behave? Decisions related to children have to be made by parents and it is very common in separated parents that they made those decisions which hurts other parent and it’s nothing to do with children. At first they will not listen to each other on any matter because they took the matter as the part of their ego then if they want to say anything then they want to go their own way not the child way which again suffers children.

"You matters a lot, your behaviour, tone, style, voice, love, hate, decisions, in-fact everything matters"

I came to know many children who reported that they think it’s their fault that every other thing is happening in their parent’s life is because of them. When asked what exactly matters to them? They said “their behaviour, tone, style, love, voice, hate, decisions, in-fact everything matters”. When we talk to parents that their child is thinking like this, they again start blaming each other for this and do not understand that what they can do for their children. If any parent really need to make arrangements for their children then one must leave their ego and past events on side and only think about the wellbeing of their children because children need them so they can be confident to live in a society with pride.

Mum-Dad “I am your child! It’s not my fault!”

Men's Health

Men seems to be hard, tough and strong enough to do any job and to bear anything for himself and for his family but one thing which we forget to realise is that they are human being as well. They eat, sleep, cry, feeling pain & can be vulnerable like women and kids. They also have emotions, feelings and moods. So in simple words they are the one who also need to be heard. Their inner voice which is full of pain, sorrow and distress need to be acknowledged so that their mental health remains healthy. They want to share their feelings so they can lessen their burden like many of us share our thoughts & feelings with other people whom we trust.

"He attempted suicide 3 times but every time his family saved him"

I met a man who was very strong from his appearance, regularly going to gym and doing hard work. He just had been revived from his first marriage because his wife left him for marrying to his best friend. He then came back to his normal life and thought to try again and got a girlfriend. He spent every penny of his savings on this girl who he thinks is the most loyal and beautiful women in world. He took a loan from his family members and give every second of his life to her. He trusted this girl blindly. His family told him number of times that she will leave him at any time but he fought for her but at the end she left him.

This strong man with two breakups was no where but had to attempt suicide so he would not be hurt anymore. He attempted suicide 3 times but every time his family saved him. He told me that " my emotional feelings were torn apart and my mental and psychological health was badly ruined now". He was running his own business which was totally on loan and he was nearly bankrupt when he received a shocking legal letter from his girlfriend for the distribution of property. He was talking to me like a mad man crying, shaking, and have an ironic smile on his face that he was the dumb man of the world.

" my emotional feelings were torn apart and my mental and psychological health was badly ruined now"

This was not the one incident which I heard but there are so many men who need support and help. They need to be heard because it's a general gesture that men only use violence against women which is not right all the time. Their mental and physical health depends upon those people who are around them and how they treat him. It is very important that we must provide every support whether we are professional people or a friend of someone. We should give time to listen their problems and show our sympathy towards them.

Talk to us if you have any relationship issues or call Mensline Australia at 1300 789 978

child-focused supervision

An arrangement of support by organisations and workers who identify & respond the needs of client’s children. The aim of this supervision is to understand the basic needs of disputed parties children when parents are not able to fulfil it. Those workers and organisations realise the disputed parties that their child needs are more important for their development.

The challenges

Workers who are working with families has shown lot of challenges which includes:

  1. Lack of Early intervention and safety mechanism for children.
  2. Lack of knowledge of understanding that child focus is a part of their role.
  3. Workers feel that they don’t have space to work in child focus way.
  4. Lack of confidence to explain and talk about child focus ways.
  5. Workers need supervision for themselves who remind and trained them how important it is.

What is happening in adult services?

Below is the data which shows that how children are affected due to their parents behaviour in different ways.

  1. Homelessness service: 18% in 2008 to 37% in 2013
  2. Post-separation services: Children witnessed family violence

2014 /15             Before Separation            After Separation

Mother Reported             64%                          50%
Father Reported             54%                          43%

3. 2016 National drug household survey: Parents drank alcohol at risky level

  • 18% single parents 
  • 16% parents in couple

4. 1 in 7 of the chidden aged 4 - 11 years experience mental health difficulties in previous 12 months.

How child focus supervision can help?

  1. As a organisation, it must be mandatory for all the workers to check children mental health during their assessments.
  2. Make sure it must be measurable and achievable rather than dependable on worker’s competence or confidence.
  3. Help, assist and supervise workers who requires professional development in this matter.

What is good supervision?

Good supervision is underpinned by the notions of developing competent, accountable, ethically informed, effective practitioners to ensure the work of the organisation in providing professional support and appropriate services is carried out with maximum efficiency (Johnson, Gray, & Noble, 2016). 

Four functions of supervision (according to the Morrison Model, 2010) 

  • Professional development 
  • Personal support
  • Accountability
  • Connection to organisation

Child- Focused philosophy 

  • Family sensitive
  • Child - inclusive
  • Strength based
  • Collaborative
  • Culturally competent
  • Voice of child, family and practitioner
  • Relationships matter (child with parents and others)

How we support / overcome child focus supervision?

  • By recruiting new people in organisations and asking questions about child focus ways.
  • By induction within the organisation so workers can get enough confidence.
  • By supervision agreement to make them binding by asking numerous questions.
  • By telling other practitioners competencies so other can be encouraged and motivated.
  • Case review specially one with child specific data.
  • Client’s evaluations by asking feedback / surveys.
  • By further researching this area that how one can improve himself by sharing and implementing knowledge.

Blog written from webinar dated 26/02/2020 arranged by CFCA Emerging Minds, Australia